I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
