you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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