Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize