Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
