Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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