This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
