She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize