So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
