Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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