if you like me you must not know who I am
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
