I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
