OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize