Jerry, you need to find god
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
