I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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