Apparently you make a good broom.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
should my penis look like a turkey
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
