I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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