this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
