I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
