He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
