dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
