I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
