I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
