Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
