disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
