Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
