My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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