The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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