He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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