Just fell off a train. Bad.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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