Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my being single is dangerous.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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