I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
