Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize