I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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