Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
