I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
