i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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