it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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