im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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