??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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