It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
