sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
