Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
