I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
