i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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