I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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