Will you blow on my dice?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
