she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize