I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
