Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
