One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize