i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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