If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
