Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
tell me about the fingering
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