He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
