at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
