all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
