I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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