I accidentally had phone sex last night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
