Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
