Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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