If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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